A new year, a (re)new(ed) attitude

The Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, started tonight. And with it begins a 10-day period called the Days of Awe focused on self-reflection, repentance, and good deeds that concludes with Yom Kippur, arguably the holiest day of the Jewish Calendar. I’ve been in a fairly introspective spot for the last few weeks, and also heading into the New Year in a very different headspace than prior years.

In the past, I’ve approached the Jewish New Year focused on my self-defined 5-pillars: Self, Family, Friendship, Community, & Religion. I would reflect on what was going well, and what could be strengthened. I would make a commitment to each of these areas for the coming year – sort of like a resolution. And when I was sitting in synagogue during Yom Kippur, finding my mind wandering to daydreams of iced coffee and cinnamon rolls, I would focus back on these 5 pillars, building out my commitment action plan. I was going to approach this year in the same way, knowing that it would be a little different – I won’t be in synagogue quite as much and I won’t be fasting this Yom Kippur – but otherwise I was thinking it would be business as usual.

But this past Shabbat, I went to synagogue with my mom. And Rabbi Davis gave a sermon about singularity of focus. He spoke about Frank Borman, retired NASA Astronaut and all around bad-ass. Col. Borman is not the most famous NASA Astronaut but his impact on the space program – and ultimately in the US being the first to land a human on the moon – was pretty phenomenal. And Col. Borman was all about knowing the primary goal of a mission, getting it done, and not letting anything else distract from the goal. “You know, I wanted to do the mission and I didn’t care about the other crap. I didn’t care about the food or anything else. I just wanted to get it done,” he said during a 1999 NASA Oral History interview. Rabbi Davis shared the story of Col. Borman with the challenge to the congregation to have this same singularity of focus as we head into the Days of Awe – not letting anything else distract us from what we individually need to focus on during this time of reflection and repentance.

So, this year, I’m taking Rabbi Davis’ words to heart. Not just for the Days of Awe, but for the year ahead. I am singularly focused on kicking cancer’s ass*. Doing whatever needs to be done to make that happen, and not letting anything else distract me from the mission. And knowing that, and that in addition to self-reflection this 10-day period is also meant for attonement, I owe you all an apology. No, I’m serious, I do. Because my singularity of mission is a terribly selfish one. It’s fucking important, maybe the most important mission of my life, but its really selfish. So I apologize now for the moments to-date, and in the coming year, when I will choose kicking cancer’s butt over the rest of what would be on my 5-pillar commitments for the year. I know you’re all thinking, “Well, duh, crushing cancer is way more important than work/coaching/volunteering/etc. etc.,” and you’re right, but I still feel bad about it – so for now, I’m going to apologize and spend less time feeling bad about it, and more time feeling “cancer crushing” feelings.

So, with my Borman-esque singular focus, I went to Rosh Hashanah dinner at my mom’s tonight (I’m not sure its actually written in the divorce papers, but my Mom gets First Night holiday dinners, its a thing). Every year at Rosh Hashanah dinner, we have a tradition called Simanim (in english, Omens) where we eat symbolic foods and make wishes for the coming year. The connection between each food and associated wish is a pun or other symbolic connection. Three of the nine traditional omens are about crushing our enemies (Jews have historically had a LOT of enemies). In years past, these omens have felt a bit outdated to me. I’ve never had a personal enemy that I want to see decimated/consumed/removed. But this year was different. This year, I have an enemy. And my only goal this year is to decimate, consume and remove the enemy. And honestly, it was a lot of fun thinking about cancer (he still looks like Mr Mucus in my head) getting decimated, consumed and removed tonight while eating leeks, dates and beets respectively. Happy New Year indeed.

*A Note on “Battle Language”: Earlier this week, Norah McInerny – MN local celeb, writer, podcaster, and Still Kickin founder – mentioned a Teen Vogue article (don’t judge, its actually a remarkably well written, topical source of news & info) about the use of “battle language” regarding cancer. I’m not ready to give up my use of battle language here, but I thought it was an interesting and unique perspective, so I’m sharing with you.

Unfortunately, my head is a really weird place right now.

Fortunately, the weird space is getting some clarity of focus this week – and for the coming year.